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Thursday, December 07, 2006
why am i at home now blogging when im supposed to be at camp right after eye-checkup? im so rawrrr now over my visit to the ophthalmologist that i need to rant pardon me. this was what happened.
1. my initial readings for my degree and eye pressure was too high.
2. i dropped some eyedrop twice. didnt work. bring on the power eyedrop.
3. finally went to see drho, degree was normal, eye pressure was borderline high. he told me the sideeffects of the power eyedrop. sensitivity to sunlight for up to 4 hours and isnt good for the eyes if exposed to too much sunlight. i dropped it thrice.
5. mummy refused to let me go for camp today. i told her i'll not to go out in the sun. she said "like real" of course it's not real like dude my role requires me to run around with my group, do i look like i'll stay in the shade. her knowledge of me always comes at a bad time.
6. the next thing i knew, brandon came because mummy called him to make sure i dont run around since she had something on. and he promised to do so. argh.
im still rawr about it. i felt like a complete poser, wearing a cap when i was out in the sun. didnt help that he kept laughing. went from mt e to tecman to get cards and what not for our dear campers! happened to come across "brokenness" by nancy leigh demoss, flipped through it and decided to get it. perhaps i'll find something relevant to my pride. man, i wish im able to buy everything in tecman. on a side note, camp comm when you see this, i saw the precious moments bible you guys got me. though zion uses kjv, not nkjv, but it's closer than my niv one eh? thanks a lot [and for transferring most of our highlights =D] (: checked out the electric guits in sweelee, since the ibanez one in bc's dead. told you matt, fender pwns ibanez. which reminds me- brandon jon char kailing matt when are we going JAMMING[!!!] again. we went to buy towels, argh i still cant believe we forgot to add towels in the packing list. haha according to linus, most people forgot to bring towels, blur pokas la. shane was classic "towel? what do i need it for. [...] bath towel? oh yeah of course i did. wait NOO MY BATH TOWEL!"
anyway, finished up what i had planned to do, except that instead of going to sentosa after that, we're here at my house now. brandon's station is short of one station master shoots i feel bad it's got nothing to do with him at all actually, my group has a missing leader- maybe you'll see this on the 11th, im sorry denise, just a few more hours and i'll be there (: we're writing cards now, preparing everything we need so we can start once we reach malaysia etc.
enough ranting. i'll have to wait until 9 before i can join the rest. missed one whole day of bonding with my wonderful group, one whole day of fun, one whole day which we spent ages planning. but whatever, i cant do anything about it, blame it on genetic myopia, and late nights which most probably stressed my eyes out. my fault.
just flipped through "brokenness" and came across this list of evidences of a proud person. found some that i can identify with.
1. proud people have an independent, self-sufficient spirit- "i can do everything through Him who gives me strength" has turned into "i can do everything through myself who gives me strength". maybe that's why ive been failing, but it just goes round and round in circles, the more i fail, the more i rely on myself, because i do not want to admit defeat.
2. proud people cant bear to fail or for anyone to think they are less than perfect. this can drive them to extremes- workaholic tendencies, perfectionism, the tendency to drive others or to place unrealistic expectations on themselves or others- bingo. that's precisely why ive got my "crying quota" and the rule i set for myself to not cry in front of people. i dont require anyone to be perfect, but i need myself to be perfect. i am my slave-driver.
3. proud people keep others at arm's length- many can know me, but at a more superficial level. to know me, you'll have to dig deeper. but it's only if i allow you to dig, or you manage to find a way to get past me somehow. up till now, only about 4 people can truly say that they know me.
4. proud people find it difficult to discuss their spiritual needs with others- make that very difficult. i only share with the 4 people and sometimes a few from the camp comm, but me discussing with others, that's rather rare.
5. proud people have a hard time saying "i was wrong, will you please forgive me?"- add in "i love you" too. the closer i am to you, the harder it is for me to say "sorry" if ive done something that well isnt minor, and "i love you". im not saying i dont mean it when ive told people that, i do mean it, but it's just... different. for those who im really close to, if you take the number of times ive told you "i love you" or "sorry" and divide it by the number of months, no years is good enough you've known me. you will definitely get less than one, some 1/5, some 1/10, some definitely have zeros. im not good at expressing myself.
6. proud people desire to be known as a success- similar to number 2.
my pride has always been something im proud of. but this whole pride vs brokenness thing is like how much i love myself vs how much i love God. i love my pride. and i hate it too. i know that pride will be my downfall. it's already my downfall in my spritual life- ive hit a record low. the reason why i was able to write the theme song easily this time round, was because i was like able to identify with it.
how can you find something that youve lost for what seems like an eternity when you're blind and lost. it's only when someone opens your eyes are you able to find it. and maybe then you'll realise- it's been in front of you all along.
whatever, i cant continue anymore.
chris tomlin- the way i was made
caught in the half-light im caught alone
waking up to the sunrise and the radio
feels like im tied up, what's holding me
just praying today will be the day i go free
i want to live like there's no tomorrow
i want to dance like no one's around
i want to sing like nobody's listening
before I lay my body down
i want to give like i have plenty
i want to love like im not afraid
i want to be the man i was meant to be
i want to be the way i as made
made in Your likeness made with Your hands
made to discover who You are and who i am
all ive forgotten help me to find
all that You've promised let it be in my life
simplicity.
*****
simple facts
peiling
30 march
christian
tnsrgs
